OKAY HOW ABOUT THIS
I think I’ve come to kind of a decision and posting on tumblr to express my inner feelings and responding to kind friends has helped me figure some of this stuff out.
My main problem is that I have been continuing to gain weight for about the last year (it started out slow but has sped up a lot recently). I have not gained weight and then settled down in a fat spot. I am continuing to gain weight right now.
If I plateaued and stopped it would be easier for me to work to accept myself where I am and I wouldn’t be considering dieting or working on my weight like I currently am.
There are two problems that my constantly changing body is giving me:
- Clothes I bought a couple months ago no longer fit me (minus some thankfully stretchy items). This is really disheartening to face when you get up to get dressed (especially for work when I dont get to just wear a stretchy skirt I have to wear horrible jeans that dont fit or else I’ll be late/get in trouble for not wearing the uniform (i bought new jeans today fyi)). It’s not even like it’s clothes from when I was smaller, it’s clothes I bought specifically because I keep growing out of my clothes. Not only does it bring the practical problem of running out of things to wear and needing to rebuy clothes every few months but it is doing a real number on my brain and my self esteem and has been doing so since winter.
- More importantly, I keep outgrowing my synthroid. I have no thyroid gland anymore and I am dependent on this medicine to provide my body with the hormones I need to function like a normal human being. The dose of thyroid prescribed to a person is dependent on a lot of things including weight. The more someone weighs, the higher a dose they get. However, my weight has been steadily increasing, causing me to steadily outgrow my perscription which is difficult to get re-prescribed all the time. This has in the past led to me feeling shitty physcially (and mentally) because my perscription was at too low of a dose for my changing body.
(also I don’t like how my endocrinologist addresses weight. he could have just said “you keep gaining weight which means your prescription keeps getting outdated and that’s making you feel bad maybe we should do something about getting your weight stable so that your medicine can work well for you" however he immediately jumps to “so what snack food is it that is doing you in? what foods do we have to kick out of our diet today?" like, excuse you. the main reason youre seeing such a difference is that when you saw me first last year I was on a diet and now I have been off of the diet for a year (in addition to having thyroid problems! and a surgery! which you know about!!). even if that wasn’t the case it was so rude to assume. fuck you. (therefore itd be nice to put a stop to that conversation every time i have an appointment with him tbh))
SO ANYWAY THE POINT OF THIS IS I THINK I’VE MADE THE DECISION TO DIET BASED ON THOSE TWO THINGS BECAUSE THOSE TWO THINGS ARE GIVING ME A LOT OF SHIT AND I’M TIRED OF IT.
Though tbh it probably won’t start til I’ve moved. It’ll be a lot easier when everything in the fridge is mine and I control what food is in my house.
I will try my very hardest to make it about maintaining and staying level more than anything. However it would be lying to say that part of me does still just want to get smaller, at least to the point where I can buy pants and shorts out of the juniors sections again. I’m just gonna try to ignore that and focus very much on maintaining a level weight.
ok thats all